Weekend@Wheaton

Man, am I getting old. I just returned from my 15th year class reunion at Wheaton College and what was particularly amazing to me is that the students there now were my kids' ages when I was a student there! As I said in chapel, "I remember looking around on Homecoming Weekend when I was a student and thinking, "Is THAT what I'm going to look like in 15 years?" (That got a laugh from the students.) They didn't laugh at my next comment, "Now, from my perspective as a father of a 4 year old and a 2 year old, I look at all you students and ask, "Is THAT what they're going to look like in 15 years??"

It was a real honor for me to perform a song in chapel. I did my song, "Not My Own," which speaks of letting God even use our brokenness and wounds to serve Him if He wishes. The theme of Homecoming was "Perseverance: Rejoice in Hope." I told the students there's only one way to learn perseverance: the HARD way.

The apostle Paul wrote that "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:3-5) As I've been moving through a couple of challenging years, I've seen this borne out in my own life a bit. It's not always easy, but it's great to know that God can and will use everything to transform us more into the image of His Son.

I'm so grateful for how God has "poured out His love into my heart by the Holy Spirit" this past year or more. That has made all the difference in these experiences for me.

Knowing When to Stop

Those of you who have made the effort to read my longer bio know that a year ago I resigned from my church due to depression and burnout. It was not a happy time in my life, but God taught me so much about Himself, myself, and our relationship during that time I don't regret it at all.

One would think that I would have learned enough so as never to place myself in similar circumstances, but alas, I am a slow learner. For the past several weeks I have been experiencing the symptoms of burnout AGAIN. At least this time around, I recognized what was going on and was able to take quick action to prevent this from becoming a full blown "crash and burn." (I am taking a break from trying to minister to more people than I can handle, and begin taking some time to do things which "fill me up" emotionally.)

So at present, one of my main questions is, "How did I end up here again??" Having been down this road before, I have learned the necessity of giving myself time and space to heal, but really, I would much rather learn what it is in ME that has trouble setting boundaries in some areas and recognizing my own limitations.

Emails, I Get Emails

I thought I'd share some of the emails I've been getting from the Singing Churchmen of Oklahoma after my time with them at their retreat on Monday night. I'll post the excerpts anonymously so I don't have to write and ask everyone for permission to post them here.

"Just a note to thank you for your ministry to the Singing Churchmen of Oklahoma Monday evening. I was deeply touched by your testimony and your music."

"Thanks for being persistent and finally finding the OBU campus. And thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your life with us through your music at the churchmen retreat. I have appreciated your songs over the years."

"Thanks for ministering to us at the Singing Churchmen retreat in Shawnee this week. I was blessed by your humble spirit, testimony and songs."

"I had the privilege of hearing you on Monday night at the Singing Churchmen of Oklahoma Retreat in Shawnee.The songs you sang made quite an impression on me, and God used them to stir my heart!"

"I so identified with you on Monday night as I also recently experienced burnout [and] ...stress related depression. Your openess and attitude touched me deeply."

"I wanted to thank you for coming and leading us in a time of worship at our retreat. I will be praying for you. I loved the two worship songs you led us in and would love to have the music to teach them to my church. Thank you again for coming and blessing me so tremendously with your music and your testimony."

"I heard you at the Singing Churchmen Retreat the other day and really enjoyed what you had to say."

"Just wanted to type a note of encouragement and thanks for your ministry. I appreciate your openness and unpretentious spirit. Keep walking with Him. He is our Constant."

"Thanks so much for your transparency during our worship time together. It is always good to remember that we are all in the same boat together, we all face the same trials, struggles, temptation, and weaknesses, but it is most important to remember that we also share the same Savior!! I was truly blessed by the experience Monday night!"

"What an absolute blessing you were at the Churchmen retreat last night!!!!"

----end email excerpts------

All I can say is, "To God be the glory." I'm still aglow from that experience. Thanks guys for a great time together.

A New Beginning

I'm really feeling compelled to write about my experience this past Monday night with the Singing Churchmen on Oklahoma. For me, it was a landmark evening, and I want to get my thoughts down to help try and process what happened.

First a little history: I've been writing for the Singing Churchmen of Oklahoma (SCM) for 10 years. They are a male choir of 200+ Southern Baptist Ministers of Music or Worship Pastors from all over Oklahoma, churches large and small. They meet every fall for a retreat, learn the new music, and then do monthly concerts across Oklahoma during the year.

Since I sang in a male choir in college (the Wheaton College Men's Glee Club), I always enjoy writing for that genre and hearing my stuff performed. This group toured Australia last May and sang 4 of my pieces in concert in the Sydney Opera House, among all the other places they were. That kind of stuff just blows me away when I hear about it! I would never have imagined as I sit in my basement in Wichita and work on my computer writing music (the same one that I'm writing this very journal update) that my songs would find their way to Australia!! And via a choir from Oklahoma!!

But I digress. Their director, Bill Green, who is a longtime friend and champion of my writing, invited me to do a short concert and lead the men in some worship on Monday night. This was the first time he's invited me to do that, and it's an honor in itself to be given the opportunity to do so. (And any number of Christian choral publishers would drool over the opportunity to hold audience for 200 choir directors...) And I admit the thought did cross my mind that maybe this opportunity might lead to more invitations, etc.

The "old me," the one that wants to be admired for his talent as a way to feel I have worth and value, would have gone and wowed 'em with a piano concert, playing my creative and clever jazz hymn arrangements. Fine. Nothing wrong with that. I might have even led them in some of my worship songs, to show them that I am also a "spiritual guy." This is called living for the "praise of man." What happens in that situation? Well, God still works, but I am actually sinning. When I act like that, I am not serving God, but serving myself in HIS name! This is also called "Phariseeism." I am neither loving nor serving them, I'm serving myself by trying to get my own affirmation needs met, and at the same time, protecting myself, isolating myself, by only allowing them to see a distorted presentation of who I am. This is all sin.

But that didn't happen Monday night. See, I'm changing. Or better, God's changing me. After a year of moving through depression, I'm beginning to find my identity, to KNOW my identity deep in my heart, in my soul, as a SON of God. Bill Green might have said it best to the men after I finished, "You're who your Father says you are." Instead of searching to "find myself," I'm learning to simply listen for who God says I am. And first among that is "His." When my Father meets my affirmation needs, when I KNOW I am loved simply because I am HIS, then I can let go of the fear that others may not like me or even reject me because I have struggles.

And when that gets to my heart, when I really believe it, then I can be honest even in public settings, about who I am AND who I am NOT. I am simply a man in process, fullly accepted by my Father through Jesus Christ. I am a work in progress, being transformed by His active Spirit, making me into someone like Jesus. Jesus is the example of a man who knew Who and Whose He was (even at 12—"must I not be in my Father's house?") and so could love perfectly without fearing people's rejection (even though He eventually experienced it at the Garden of Gethsamane and on the cross). His secure identity and intimate relationship with His Father also kept Him from being tempted to let others define Him, to try and make things happen for Himself, or to be a people-pleaser. (and Satan tried all these tactics once on Jesus in the wilderness...)

Anyhow, I think I began to operate from that secure place on Monday night. I was authentic; I stepped out in faith and shared a little about the year I've had. I shared how I've been learning what I just wrote about "the hard way" through depression and burnout, and by simply listening to God and "waiting on Him" in prayer and in study. I know I am gifted to write songs and play the piano, and I have an okay singing voice. But it wasn't about me or those gifts on Monday, it was about God and what He's been teaching me. I believe this may have been the first time in my life where I was allowing God to use not only my strengths (my musical skills) but also my weaknesses (my wounds from sexual abuse and the struggles/sins I used to cope with it). I let them see that I am very much a work in progress with lots of rough edges. But that's okay, because I was there to SERVE them, to do whatever Father wanted me to do, so He could work through me, and He would get the glory, and I would get the joy of knowing that I had been used by Him. Maybe for the first time, it wasn't about me that night, even though I talked about myself quite a bit.

Oh, we still laughed together. (I had quite a day with my kids and quite a time getting to where the men were having their retreat.) I think it was "entertaining," in that they enjoyed what I presented and it held their attention. But as I sang a few songs, shared my heart, and led them in worship, God was clearly at work beyond a short little concert.

After I finished, Bill had me come up and kneel in front of the group. Several of them laid hands on me and prayed for me. Bill invited them to take a few moments to speak a request to whomever they were sitting next to and pray for each other, then he invited anyone who felt led to lead out in prayer publicly. The men were honest and open, and there were prayers of thanks and praise, prayers of confession, prayers of petition and intercession. It was not something I had planned, nor had Bill, but it was clear God was moving in that room by His Spirit.

I left awhile after that to return home, after the men did me the favor of singing two of my new pieces that I arranged for them. I felt a little like the disciples did when suddenly they had been given POWER for ministry. "Wow, Jesus, this is potent stuff!!"

On the drive home, the verse came to mind, which I'm heavily paraphrasing, where Jesus says to His disciples, "Don't rejoice in the doing of the stuff...but that your name is written in the Book of Life in heaven." He gets the glory, but I'm so thankful for what God did Monday and that I got to be a small part of it.

I'm going on record, that I want to "live" in that place from now on. That's why I'm calling this entry "A New Beginning." I know not every future concert will have the same response; that's not my responsibility. But I need to listen every time for what the Father is saying and telling me to do, and obey. That's my prayer.

One other verse keeps floating in my head is the familiar Matthew 6:33, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." More often than not, I can get focused on "all these things" which I would like added. That's getting the cart before the horse. My calling is to seek Him first, and let Him add whatever else He decides to give.